If you ask any good lawyer, he or she will tell you there is no such thing as a cheap divorce. If you ask any good clinical psychologist, he or she will tell you there´s no such thing as an easy neutral divorce. Nobody enjoys break-ups, unless you have a destructive personality, like a sadist one, you know, those personalities that disconnect themselves so badly from their own hearts that enjoy destroying themselves and others in a diabolic suicidal and unconscious death spiral. But regardless of the enjoyment and easiness of breaking up, sometimes one decides that the best way to go around a relationship is NO, NO MORE.
If you ask any good clinical psychologist, he or she may tell you that not everybody feels they have the right to choose, or if they have it, they may not have the guts to manifest it. So let´s congratulate anybody, person or nation who has fought the necessary internal or external wars to own the right to make their own choices.
Sometimes, when the relationship has not gone well, one invests all his/hers/its energies in blaming the other one, in finding guilt in something external which then entitles this person, group or nation to have a sense of power derived from a sense of injustice or victimism. Some other times there may be an interest in owning responsibility for the dissatisfaction, pain or hurt, or at least part of it. Some other times there is an interest in learning something, going through one’s own character defects and overcoming one´s limitations, in healing one´s wounds so as to make personal transformation possible. In the realm of love this would be the only right way to go about it, also when love says “no”.
Considering the evolutionary cycle of the human being, a divorcing couple with children probably undergoes the most painful, the most poignant, most distressing, most baffling moments in their life cycle. Besides being a generator of anxiety and pain, this process can also generate and induce change and personal growth. Separation, divorce can arouse or increase the desire to know and explore uncertainties, questions that invite a deeper reflection on oneself.
The divorce process may well provide the opportunity to:
• Understand the variables that influenced the choice of both commitment and separation
• Comprehend what is/was at stake
• Understand the influence of invisible forces: family of origin, power, fears of intimacy, sabotage of your own personal growth, patterns repeating themselves
• Understand the meaning of ego-attachment versus love beyond ego-forces
• Differentiate / individuate from the family of origin
• Learn to feel more comfortable with your own gender and sexuality
• Prepare the turf for hope and a new start up
• Form a new, more rewarding relationship with a new partner or maybe the same person under new light
“Events do not affect us for what they are but for the valuation we do of them” Epictetus
When expectations are wrong the probability of anxiety and a sense of failure increase.
Let’s have a look to some misconceptions concerning oneself in a relationship:
• I must be the perfect companion
• It would be horrible that I disappointed my partner
• If I am in a helping mode everything will go smoothly
• If something displeases me about the other one, I better hide it from myself and others
• If I am honest, I may not be liked and therefore ruin the relationship
Some misconceptions regarding partners:
• if you love me you have to know what I want and need
• if you love me, you have to be always kind and considerate to me
• if we love each other there will be no power struggle
• if there is something that does not go well let´s not look at it, because it may be overwhelming and create conflict
• if your or my family of origin are in the way, love will dissolve the not
Some misconceptions concerning married life:
• with the beginning of our life together will begin an unbroken happiness
• from now on we will share everything
• the objectives of the couple must be based on caring about the others happiness without thinking of the individuals in the relationship
• once we have a solid compromise the relationship will hold us together
• there is no need for external help, we are not mentally handicapped
How to end a relationship in a healthy way?
Consider that everything that irritates us or hurts us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. Understanding yourself is the first step for creating happy relationships.
Taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself and others, taking care of the innocent ones (in case there are children), will empower you.
When you want to be powerful, really powerful, you work on your best possible self, you need to love yourself.
Love is a decision not an impulse, not a feeling or a thought. Love yourself unconditionally and expand your love to as many as possible for you. Maybe practicing mindfulness is a friendly and helpful tool also for you.
Keep working on you, on not divorcing yourself from your defects as opposed to blaming others for them. Nagging and criticising is a weird way of willing to have power whilst loosing dignity. Nagging, judging and criticising others speaks not about them but about your own unconscious limitations.
If you want to hold that space you don´t have nagging rights, you have leaving rights. Even or especially if your decision is you are better off out: Put off blaming put on love.
“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”
Carl Jung (1875 – 1961), “On the Psychology of the Unconsciousness”, 1917
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